Dealing With A Breakup: From 20-Something to 30-Something
Description
Once I didn’t get out of bed for two weeks. I was a virginal, 103-pound freshman at UMass Amherst with high expectations and grandiose dreams of love and relationships. Then I met Kurt. I met 20-year-old-big-man-on-campus Kurt and fell for his raspy voice, Varsity status, and bad boy ways.
In retrospective, I had a bad case of puppy love. But at 18 years old that love seemed so real. And that’s why, after slipping Kurt a letter under his door and not hearing from him at all, cayi en cama. I drenched my pillows with tears. Suffocated my pain under my sheets and blankets. Shivered when replaying the words I’d written in script on the lined paper that was in his hands. Or perhaps in the trash. I felt like I was dying. I felt my heart was breaking into pieces as if bitten by a lethal love bug that would live in my bloodstream for the end of my days. That’s what heartbreak felt like.
Now, at 33 years old, I am wiser and a lot less dramatic. I can distinguish between lust and love and loving a man as opposed to being in love with a man. I ignore my pepas™ throbs, reprimanding her when she wants to get it in. “He just wants sex!” I shout while shaking my finger at her pelitos. “So behave!” I reprimand before snapping my legs shut. I tell myself that relationships just…change. People grow apart. And not everyone is meant to be together forever. At 33 years old, I regroup after a break-up in a healthier manner even when battling my abandonment issues, which reappear every time a relationship is over.
How do I do it? It’s not easy as patterns are often difficult to break. Still, the following have been surefire ways that have helped me tackle heart break.
- Release Your Anger: It is so important to release our anger and frustration, even in our 30s! Just because we are respectable, strong women doesn’t mean we don’t want to yoke a man or burn his clothes ala Angela Basset in Waiting To Exhale. Still, just because we want to doesn’t mean we have to go to that extreme. I say vent to the man who has broken your heart. Let it all out no matter what he thinks or feels. If he doesn’t want to talk in person, then vent over the telephone. If he doesn’t pick up, leave him a voicemail or send him a text or email. What’s important is that you let it out if you must, not how. It doesn’t even matter if he thinks you’re crazy. He’s not your boyfriend anymore! Their reaction or non-reaction makes no difference. - Spend Time With Close Friends: My close friends and family have been my rock throughout my break-ups. But only my close friends and family. If we speak to everyone about our sadness and breakup, then we begin to dwell and that is not the point. So surround yourself with positive people. Go to dinner and have some drinks! But not too many as that can bring on the Weepy Drunk Monster. Keep yourself busy, pamper yourself, and enjoy life! We only have one. - Sleep In And Relax: When I’m a little down, I love to sleep. A lot. Mostly because I am mentally exhausted. The analyzing and replaying scenarios in order to pinpoint red flags is very draining although necessary. And so I take some time for me and my bed. I snooze till noon on weekends and take naps during the work week. I simply relax and listen to my body…without succumbing to depression, of course. Just make sure that you rest up if you feel the need. - Accept The End: This one is tough but becomes easier over time. Time does heal all wounds. It also helps us forget. Granted we never forget those we love but as the memories fade we can begin a new life with a new love. But before this we must accept the end. We must accept change and the little control we have over another’s actions and feelings. It can be difficult but once embracing acceptance we feel so much better and emotionally healthy. - Learn From It And Become Aware: We all make mistakes. Sometimes we make the same mistakes once or twice or thrice. I am guilty of this. I fall for the same kind of man (I have a save-a-pene complex). I pretend white lies weren’t told. I connect the dots much too late, usually when the relationship is on it’s last leg. This I am aware of now due to my failed relationships. I know now what to look out for. I know my patterns. I know how to say , “Thanks, but no thanks,” when confronted with romantic relationships that are reminiscent of said patterns. And this is all because of heartbreak. So take what you learn and become more self-aware. This way you can change your life for the better.
Even when using these techniques, I still have days when I cry in silence and at the same locations (my bedroom couch, on my pillow, in the shower like a telenovela star, on the subway like other women) as when I was 20-something year old girl. The only difference is that instead of sobbing for two weeks I sob for two days. There really is absolutely nothing wrong with expressing emotions through tears. It can even be healthy. Just make sure to talk to your loved ones if you are really down. Because no man is worth a woman hibernating in bed for two weeks.
